Progress in the Modern Police Service

You may be aware of a UK police services idea of providing disposable flip flops for drunken females following a night out. This is to stop them hurting their feet.

Apparently females wear shoes that hurt and following ten pints of Stella they want to walk home barefoot, which I suppose is better than them wanting to beat the life out of each other which usually prevails following a beverage or two.
I have no doubt that the inspector that concocted this marvellous use of tax payers money is destined for policing greatness and I am sure you share my congratulations at this step in the right direction for community progress. So I have been thinking....these are my top three ideas to propel me into the ACPO ranks like a rocket.

1. Replace all Batons/ASP's with pink balloons on a stick - Nobody gets hurt when hit with them and because its pink all genders and diverse lifestyles are catered for.

2. Reversible POLICE/TAXI signs on all panda's - I get asked probably twenty times a night if I can just "drop me off at home" or "Are you going near my house" following a good night out by some lashed up member of the public. So, lets switch the signs and earn some money for Mr Brown to assist with the recession and provide a valuable service for the community. Its not like I got anything better to do at 2am on a Friday night.

3. Crash helmet-Sleeping bag combination suit -Issued to all late night drinking holes, an all in one crash helmet and sleeping bag suit which you pull on over your head when leaving the club and no matter what you stumble into or fall on despite only having "two pints" you can rest assured that you will not hurt your head and if you decided "I don't fancy going back home, I will sleep in the gutter or on this comfy wooden bench" then the sleeping bag keeps you toasty until the sun rises.

Its all about the image

Having recently been assigned a duty involving potential large scale disorder with several pieces of good quality "intelligence" to suggest that gangs of feral youths were descending upon our area to fight it out with knives, machetes and various other sharp pointy things with the intention of dismember each other due to a lack of respect shown by one gang to another . (I say put them all in a cage and let them fight it out and put it on setanta sports on pay-per-view but apparently that's not in the ACPO manual)

For such a duty, with the aforementioned "intel" you would expect a level of protection for the police officers expected to deal with this lot of aggressive single celled cromags.

No.

Apparently, The kit worn by police for public order duties is considered to confrontational and intimidating for the general public and the carrying of long batons gives out the wrong impression by my university educated, high potential development schemed senior managers.

Its not like we WANT to fight a gang of 100+ idiots with knives or go out with logos like above painted on our helmets

You will no doubt be ecstatic to know that there was only a few stabbings, thirteen knife point robberies and numerous assaults.

I looked bloody smart in my shirt and tie though

Sleeping safely in your beds

You will no doubt be pleased to know that the area in which I work incorporates parts of the M25,M23 and A3 roads and has several large town centers and part of England's largest airport. It has approximately 1 million residents which makes it the most densely populated area outside of greater London.

Imagine if I told you that at certain times during last week there was exactly twenty response officers covering this entire area. (640 square miles)

Don't get me wrong there are safer neighbourhood teams and PCSO's on duty (you know this because the forces electricity bill goes up with all the station kettles getting boiled)

That's 1 response officer for every 50,000 residents !

This part of a workforce modernisation programme that requires less response officers than previous levels and has changed the grading and type of jobs police will now attend and this is part of a "ambitious" vision to modernise the police according to my cheif constable...

Apparently our response teams are at full strenght according to out senior managment team so I will leave you with these edited excerpts little gem of an ICAD that came in to our control room a while ago at a very affluent part of leafy ruralshire

Caller: There is a large rave taking place near my address with approximately 100 people with very loud music and I want it shut down.

Control room: Are there any threats of violence or damage that you can see

Caller: No but I want police here to shut this party down as I can't sleep

Control room: Sir, as part of ***** police new policy we do not attend noisey parties and its a matter for environmental health, would you like their number?

To cut this short, police did attend some three hours later when it the caller, after several telephone converstions with the control room was identified as no other that our very own chief Constable.

You simply couldn't make it up.